Sunday, 22 December 2013

The Eleven Days of Christmas: Day Nine

On Friday it was all about the music and today it's all about the movies.

It's that time of year when I get to pour myself a steaming mug of Moroccan mint tea, get cozy, and watch loads of really bad, made-for-tv, Christmas movies. Oh I love them so!

They are so bad!

The plots stink, the acting is overzealous, Santa is always helping someone in New York or Arizona find their Christmas spirit that was presumably lost under some stray garbage or behind a cactus, and the inevitable romantic warm-and-fuzzy ending always makes me roll my eyes and groan, "Are they kidding me?! I wasn't born yesterday, they have only known each other for five days!"

(I'm not a believer in love at first sight. Too uptight.)

Some of the worst shows I've seen this year have the following plots:

(1) Melissa Joan Hart (WHY DOES SHE USE THIS AS HER STAGE NAME) kidnaps Mario Lopez and spirits him away to her family's cabin where she holds him hostage and makes him pretend to be her boyfriend because she's too embarrassed to be single for yet another Christmas. Yes, she does manage to get him to pretend to be her boyfriend despite the fact he has free will, can tell everyone what she's done, and can get the hell out of there. Then they really fall in love at the end. Who wrote this shit?!

(2) Santa takes time out of his busy schedule because he realises that eighteen years ago, a nine year old wished for true love AND HASN'T FOUND IT YET. Santa decides her current boyfriend is no good, but his best friend is a good fit, and the entire two hour movie revolves around Santa performing feats of magic to make sure this girl and the best friend remain stranded in an idyllic town that Christmas threw-up on, while the boyfriend is a mere hour away up the mountain unable to get to the girlfriend because crazy things like bears standing next to his car and falling snow prevent him from getting to her. However, tricky Santa makes sure his high school girlfriend manages to ring his doorbell. The movie ends with the girlfriend and best friend realising they love each other, the boyfriend and his high school girlfriend realising they still love each other, and all four of them meet up in the town square and look around at each other and giggle foolishly. Hehehe, we all spent the past two days being adulterers. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

(3) A psychiatrist falling in love with A PATIENT who thinks he's Santa, and her nurse friends conspire to get them together. Of course they do get together once he realises he's not Santa. I mean holy shit. Awful.

Every night I torture myself with one of these movies, Dan sort of watches while he's on the iPad, and then at the end we groan about how awful it was. Then we do it all over again the next day.

Of course, I also like to watch the regular Christmas DVD standbys too: Home Alone, Love Actually, While You Were Sleeping, White Christmas, Meet Me In St. Louis, The Family Man, A Christmas Story, and Bridget Jones's Diary. These are my Christmas standbys. I also will watch A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street, and It's a Wonderful Life if they're on tv.

Also, lately there's been a lot of buzz about You've Got Mail since it's been out for fifteen years, and I didn't realise this but for a lot of people this is one of their go-to Christmas movies. In fact, I really didn't realise this but a lot of people LOVE this movie. Am I all alone in thinking it's total shiz? I mean dudes, HE PUT HER OUT OF BUSINESS. A business that was started by her mother! And then they get together? Say wha? I remember watching that movie in the theatre in high school with a friend, and at the end I harrumphed that I was pissed she got together with him and my friend thought it was lovely. So I was all, "It wasn't just business, it was personal! Only rich dudes try to tell people it's just business.That was her livelihood! She wasn't a millionaire, come on! How was she supposed to support herself? As if I believe she'd become a world famous reviewer of children's literature. It's awful!"

The following Christmas someone gave me the DVD as a gift.

They clearly didn't know me at all.

But, apparently, I'm alone in my disdain of the movie because loads of people are obsessed with it and adore Kathleen Kelly's "La-la-la life's a daisy" approach to the closing of a business started by her deceased mother.

I must be cold-hearted because I really don't get it.

Do you love it? Why? Please shed some light on this for me!

Otherwise, tell me, what's your favourite Christmas movies?

PS: Dan and I also like watching The Long Kiss Goodnight at Christmas, too. Geena Davis is bad ass and Samuel L. Jackson is a frigging fortune cookie with his one-liners. You gotta love 80's action movies: they really didn't take themselves too seriously.

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