Monday, 11 November 2013

I Gave Birth To A Kleptomaniac

Before I started taking LB to various playgroups and music classes, I wasn't really familiar with the fact that children have a very strong THIS IS MINE YOU DIRTBAG, BACK OFF possessiveness about anything they can get their paws on.

Yo, that baby over there is playing with a toy I didn't even know existed until right this very second. IT'S MINE AND I WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR IT.  ROOOOOAAAAARRRR.

It was all a little alarming, to be honest.

But now I'm used to it, though Dan isn't. Dan doesn't, in fact, spend time with any children except for LB, so when we were out and about this weekend LB was toddling around with some bread and another child decided they wanted it and ripped it from her hands. LB was basically all *shrug*, "If you want my saliva soaked bread, go for it. I've got fresh stuff back at the table. I'm going to climb now." She does enough stealing from other kids that maybe this was a circle-of-life moment and she knew she'd get something later on. Or maybe the bread really sucked and she was glad to be rid of it. Who knows. She wasn't bothered though, is what I'm saying.

Dan was.

He leaned over and said, "That little bastard just stole [LB's] bread! What a prick, I'm going to get it back!"

Then I had to gently remind him that the 'little prick' he was referring to was a human that had been on the plant for maybe sixteen months, tops, and we too have a child who not only steals from other kids...but also from stores.

Yes, that's right, our blue-eyed babe likes to steal and does so with the cutest smile on her face.

So here's the deal: I was shopping at Coop the other day and parked LB so I could get my fruit and vegetables. Later on she started to fuss a bit in a her stroller and it looked like she was a bit hung-up in her Mucki sack (which is a big down-filled baby-sleeping bag that attaches to strollers so kids can stay snuggled up and toasty warm while their parental slaves push them hither and yon through all sorts of shit weather). I unzipped the Mucki sack to get her legs straightened out when behold: it was full of oranges.

I mean absolutely loaded with clementine oranges. About ten in total, all rolling around the bottom of her Mucki sack.

Oh, the horror.

I flushed pink.

It doesn't end there.

Last Wednesday I got home to discover that she was sitting on hair barrettes she'd pulled off a shelf without me realising, and today it was winter gloves.

WINTER GLOVES.

So not only has she stolen these items and hidden them into the deepest reaches of her Mucki sack, but when I take them from her she looks at me with a fierce look on her darling face that clearly says: WOMAN, THESE ARE MINE. Step. Back.

So in case you're wondering, this afternoon I have to try and slink back into a store and replace the gloves my baby stole whilst hoping something else doesn't catch her eye. Like, say, that gold chain necklace from H&M she tried to make away with on Friday.

Help.
 

3 comments:

mom said...

That is hilarious! Did you ever find the basil and mozza?

Caitie said...

They are still missing within the house :s Really worried about when they go rancid. But at least I'll finally know where she hid them. Bright side?

Ais said...

Oh my god, this is so funny! She must get it from me, back in the day ;) Haha, jk