Thursday, 7 November 2013

Getting My Groove Back

For those of you who tune in regularly, I took a bit of an unintentional hiatus from blogging because quite frankly, I couldn't be bothered. Our LB is a walking a machine and has been since this post. She took her first independent steps the day after I hit publish on that, was a bit cautious for about the following week, then realised how fast she could go and hasn't looked back since.

It's been amazing; my heart feels blown open every time she looks at me with such evident pride on her face that SHE. IS. WALKING., meanwhile I've essentially been running to keep up with her. And, as those who are part of my inner circle know, I haven't been able to run for a long time. I can barely walk some days.

So these past few weeks have been joyous, but physically very hard for me.

This year has been hard. There's been amazing moments, yes, and of course there's always LB and Dan, but when I look back 2013 isn't going to be a year I want to remember. Actually, come to think of it, I rarely look back--too busy looking forward, which isn't necessarily better--but I definitely will not be looking back on 2013, and I realise it's not even over.

I posted here ages ago that my arthritis flared up about six weeks or so after LB was born, and it's been in a state of flare ever since. Arthritis is a tricky thing to talk about with people because it's generally assumed to be something that only effects people once they're in their golden years and their joints have had years of wear and tear. Yes, of course, that is one form of arthritis. There's the other forms though that are auto-immune, meaning your body is attacking your joints and sometimes tendons, and I have one of those forms. I say it's tricky to talk to people about because unless you've experienced it, you can't quite comprehend what it means to be in constant, debilitating pain. Yes you can imagine it can be hard, but you just don't get it. And I hope everyone reading never has to get it, because it fucking sucks. And that's been my past thirteen months.

You know that line in one of Taylor Swift's songs that goes, "We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time." Well, I've been tired, sore, angry and anxious at the same time. For a whole year.

The past few months got to the point where my jaw was locked shut every morning, I dreaded the first half hour of the day because I could hardly walk, and I was not able to keep up with LB.

I have cried a lot this year, but I cried a lot these past months.

A lot.

Out of frustration, anger, exhaustion, and fear. What if this is my life forever?

For reasons I won't get into on a non-private weblog, I have been led to believe I didn't have a lot of treatment options. Turns out I just didn't have a good doctor. In fact, it's possible I've had the worst doctor. I have felt like I've been cheated out of enjoying my baby's first year of life because I was so immobile for most of this past year. This doctor saw me MINIMUM twice a month for the past thirteen months, he saw me limp into his office every time, and he could have done something about it and he fucking didn't. He just kept telling me I didn't have a lot of options.

That I basically had none.

And, for the personal reasons that I don't want to share (maddening as it is, I know) I believed him. It honestly seemed plausible.

On the day before I was to fly out with LB to Canada for my grandma's birthday, my doctor basically alluded to the fact that I was the only patient he had that was my age and with this arthritis and he stopped just short of saying he didn't know what to do.

I was in tears that afternoon, but as I was leaving the next day I had no recourse to take.

The day after I got back from Canada we went to Bern's emergency clinic so that they could try and take some of the fluid out of my knees, and Internet, I swear, the Universe finally threw me a bone. It solved a problem that was only admitted the day before my trip. The doctor who treated me that first day back in Switzerland not only had the same kind of arthritis I do, but assured me that actually I have a hell of a lot more treatment options than I'd been led to believe I had and he thought I was being jerked around.

He recommended me to his doctor and I've had to tell myself that maybe that year of pain was worth it, because this guy I saw this week is good. He's the kind of good that not everybody can see. The kind of good that comes with a long waiting list that I got to bypass. This new doctor didn't criticise my old doctor, nor did he even want to know who he was, but he made it very plain to me that even with my secret-personal-not-talking-about-reasons, I have treatment options.

And I can be pain free.

And the other doctor was a fucking tit on a bull, that's how useless he is.

Today, a mere two days after seeing him, I am *almost* pain free. I haven't started treatment yet, but he's given me something to take away the inflammation until I do. I woke up yesterday and my jaw wasn't locked.

I wasn't sore.

I wasn't exhausted.

I wasn't angry.

I wasn't anxious.

I haven't felt like joking around in awhile, I haven't felt like finding the humour, and I sure as hell haven't felt like writing on this blog. I did it out of some weird sense of obligation, but I abandoned that earlier this month while I was waiting to see the new guy (who was on extended holidays) and was so sore I basically cried every day.

I wasn't about to blog.

But it's amazing what one day of being nearly pain-free can do for a person's outlook.

I feel great, and am looking forward to continuing this momentum so I can end the year on a positive note, and maybe with a few pithy social observations thrown onto here for good measure.

Thanks for sticking around, and I'll be back soon.



Mom said...

So incredibly happy for you Cait! It has been a long, long road. Dad and Mom xxxooo

CherylfromSaskatchewan said...

Oh Cait- I just assumed LB was keeping you super-busy because of her walking and all. I am so glad that someone is finally taking the time to really hear you, and that there may be some workable options for you. I have my fingers crossed that things are indeed going to be better and that you will be able to kick 2013 to the curb, and start fresh in 2014.

T said...

Oh Caitie! I'm so happy that you have found options and can look into the future positively! Looking forward to future posts and am definitely looking forward to knowing that you are able to keep up with LB pain-free!

jla said...

Oh, Caitie. So happy to hear you are finding some light at the end of the tunnel!

Jess A.