Saturday, 8 June 2013

Just Imagine

Okay, so you remember how babies put EVERYTHING into their mouths? Like, how they taste test every little thing from a cat's tail to the toilet brush (please don't ask me how I know the latter because it might cause me to pass out again, and I've only just now recovered--seven days later).

Imagine people never grew out of this taste testing phase?!

Like OMG can you even imagine it!!!

Scenario 1:

You're strolling through Ikea and you like the look of their apartment modular that's been kitted out to look like people really can live in a space that's nine feet by nine feet.

I like the look of this wallpaper. I will lick it, but first wait for this man in front of me to finish sampling it.

That mirror is nice. I will try and stick the corner in my mouth.

I like this chair. I will try and force my mouth around the arm.

Hold-up. That woman is wearing some bitchin' shoes. Don't mind if I do, but I'll just lick them.

Do I like the spatula that's on display in this model kitchen? Only one to tell: I'll taste it.

Scenario 2:

You have A Very Important Job in a Very Tall Building. You are hosting a Very Big Meeting in the Very Grand Conference Room. It's time to meet people.

I like your tie. I am going to lick it.

Before we shake hands, first I will put your finger in my mouth.

You have a nice computer. I will taste it.

Your hair is shiny. I will yank it hard, then eat it.

Love your necklace. Gold tastes nice.

Your investing proposal sounds good, but I will only make my final decision after I've chewed on the paper it's printed on.

Scenario 3:

Grocery shopping.

Should I buy this apple? Lick. No. Put back. This one? Lick. No. Put back. This one? Lick. No. Put back.


I mean guys, basically in this hypothetical world people would wander around like zombies tasting everything.

Imagine a street view where to your left is someone licking the lamppost; straight ahead someone else is eating their bus ticket, while their friend tastes the money in his wallet; over there is a guy yanking up grass and shoving it in his mouth; further down the road is a person with a mouth full of rocks; the woman who just drove past you has her mouth over the steering wheel, while her passenger is busy sucking on the seat belt.

I had to share this with you because I've been imagining it for hours and it makes me laugh.


1 comment:

Meg said...

Hahaha!!! That was great! I feel like all of our immune systems would be fiercely strong... or we'd have colds and flu's all the time. :)