Sunday, 18 November 2012


Internet, I'm stumped.

I sit down to write a blog post, and my mind feels as blank as the white screen I stare at. Only difference between my mind and the white screen is at least the screen has a cursor blinking every so often. My brain? Nadda. This isn't to say that there hasn't been stuff going on, but I'm lazy and it seems hard to write about.

I could tell you about the Christmas market I went to today, with the sole purpose to buy Oepfelchuechli (basically, deep fried apple rings rolled in sugar) then I turned around and came home.

I could tell you how when I'm swaddling LB at night, she usually gives me the most beautiful smile that leaves me with a feeling I'm not articulate enough to describe. I think this smile is her way of saying, "Remember I'm cute, because I will refuse to fall asleep for the next hour and I don't even care you wanted to have a bath and watch a movie."

I could tell you all how my (insert every curse known to mankind) arthritis is back on the scene, and I had to stop breastfeeding LB at nine weeks so they could treat it. 

I could tell you about what a hard day and ensuing week that was for me. How even though I didn't like breastfeeding, I still thought it was cool I provided nourishment for her. How even though I FULLY SUPPORT with no questions a mother's right to choose formula for her baby, how I felt like a horrible person every time I mixed up her bottle. Like I was feeding her poison. How I was angry at myself for not being able to walk a line I support. And here's the irony: at that point, my breast milk was poison due to medication. 

How that effing literature by the 'breast is best' people is horrible and insidious and narrow-minded. Of course BB and La Leche, of course I don't want to give my baby her head start down the road to Mensa and moon walking on Mars. That's why I have given her formula: because I want her to be average, sickly, and du-du-dumb. Because that's what you're implying with your pamphlets AND DON'T EVEN DENY IT. I guess my formula baby will now just live in a trailer park and forget to put pants on when she goes to Wal-Mart to buy tubs of mayo for her litter of children.  Oh, let's not forget she'll be wiping her nose on her ill-fitting shirt because she's always going to be sick thanks to that devil formula.

I could tell you all how thankful I am for formula, because without it I couldn't get the treatment that allows me to walk, crouch, bend over, hold LB in my arms, and chew food.

I could tell you all about how I spent part of yesterday waiting to see a doctor, who then proceeded to drain 3.5 oz of fluid out of my knee. With a 2 inch needle. Then he called his buddies in and they basically all geeked out over this. I felt self-conscious.

I could tell you all how the same doctor thought LB was the bee's knees and asked if he could see her, while simultaneously pulling her from her buggy. She smiled at him, then he basically danced on the spot and said, "She's smiling! She's smiling!"

I've learnt that people really love babies. Prior to LB I thought babies were okay, but I wasn't about to get all up in a people's business over their baby. Now I get it.

I could tell you all how having Cosmo prepared me for having a baby. Hint: the baby is easier. NOT EVEN JOKING. And you know what, maybe I will tell you about that because seriously. Seriously.

I could tell you how it slays me to see Dan cuddling with our little Sparrow.

How it slays me that so far, most people we meet think she looks like Dan. The only thing I seem to have given her is fair hair and blue eyes. That's it. And the blue eyes aren't necessarily from me, seeing as Dan's dad and brother had/have baby blues.  It's really annoying to have carried a baby around for nine months, and not be told there's a resemblance. REALLY ANNOYING.

But for now I'll just say we're having a roast chicken kind of Sunday, then it's bath night for LB and hopefully she'll go to sleep before ten so we can watch a movie. Because our LB, she notices the t.v. now. Oy.

What are we supposed to do? Read or talk or something?


T said...

Oh Caitie, I'm so sorry to hear that your arthritis is back. I am with you though, it is such a great thing that you have formula as an option. LB is such a lucky baby that you are smart enough to use it so that you can also pick her up and cuddle her while you feed her. This post made me wish I was there to hug you both.

I hope you get your movie night!

xoxo, T.

Meg said...

Loving and missing you Cait. Don't you worry about the baby formula. LB loves it, and she's growing up happy and strong just as she should. :) Ais and I were saying the other day she looks like a combination of the three of us as a babies. Think about it.... It's totally true!! You are such a great mom, and LB is so lucky to have you and Dan to love and care for her so much.

Love and hugs your way,


mom said...

Cait, I agree with Thriza and Meg - you are an exceptional mom. Don't give the formula thing a second thought! You have to do what is right for you and Lillie and that is what is most important. Remember, you are no good to anyone if you are in pain and can't move. Lillie looks like herself - cute as a bug :-))

Love mom