Saturday, 19 May 2012

Week 23: I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Oh Internet, I feel like I am the most eye-rolly person around because I have no choice but to start this post with, "It was a hard week." 

I realize that most people don't have a lot of sympathy for an individual who complains all the time, because trust me I have met my fair share of people like that and I seriously want to sprint away from them as fast as I can. I certainly hope I don't appear to be a downer who always complains, because I assure you my default personality setting is cheerful, happy, with a heavy-handed sprinkling of sarcastic humour. But man, pregnancy hormones are no joke.

I have already mentioned, more than once, that I am finding the ol' cliche about pregnant women being quite emotional to be very applicable to me. I have never been particularly good at waiting patiently, nor have I ever been able to lightly brush aside something I have no control over.  I am, strangely enough, generally quite good at handling in-the-moment stressful situations; though yes, Family, it is true that while in university I had one major meltdown a semester when I would wail, "It's all too much!" As though studying for finals while working full-time was the equivalent of being a single mother on the dole who didn't know how she'd feed her kids that night.

Perspective can be something I often lack.

This week I had an, "It's all too much!" moment that found me pacing around my living room at 2:30 in the morning while Dan trailed nervously behind me having no idea how to help but wanting to do so, desperately.

My anxiety stems from an ultrasound two weeks ago, coupled with trying to meet extra deadlines that I keep missing because all I can think about is that ultrasound.  An ultrasound, I should mention, that does not have either Dan or the doctor concerned. There were a couple of things the doctor didn't like the look of that day, so she wants to check things out again in a couple of weeks when the baby has grown. In size, brain development, heart development, spinal cord closing, etc..., the baby looks great. I, however, have not rationally processed her words about those two little things the same way Dan has, and despite reassuring emails from friends and long conversations with family, it's basically all I think about. I have to wait to find out what's going on. I have no control what's going on. I have to wait. I have no control. Wait. No Control. BRAIN MELTDOWN. Hence the reason I'm missing deadlines and submitting things late.

But that, "It's all too much!" moment was exactly what I needed.

Dan and I talked until 4 a.m. and then he crashed, exhausted, into bed while I phoned my Dad and had a nice hour long conversation with him. I went to bed feeling lighter.  On Thursday it was a statutory holiday here, and it was finally, FINALLY, sunny, so Dan and I hopped into Bern and sat in the sun and drank iced coffees.

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Getting bigger!

As I tried to get some sun on my beat-up and stress-induced psoriasis legs, we kinda, sorta, probably, picked our baby's name. Which, it wasn't even a week ago where I had no idea how I'd ever choose just one name, but now it seems like we have.

(Hint: It doesn't rhyme with Moonglow Laserbeam or Perfect Creation!)

Dan has picked two nicknames for the baby so has started calling it by its probably-name, and its nicknames, and I've still been calling it 'baby'.

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Specifically I call it "Little Baby," in a really sing-songy voice.

Little Baby has also gotten major rock-'n-roll this week and for the first time on Thursday night Dan felt it move. It felt like the baby did a powerful flip inside me, but to Dan it was only the faintest of movements he could feel.  This morning, though, when I was sitting out on the deck trying to catch a few rays of sun before they disappeared behind rain clouds, the baby was really moving around and I yelled at Dan, "Come quick! Come quick! You can see [it] moving under my shirt!"

And he could.

We could see the baby moving around, through my shirt.

WEIRD.

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Best science experiment, evah!

So it was a hard week, yes, because existing hang-ups I have are even harder to deal with as I'm trying to navigate pregnancy hormones. But it has ended on a nice note. A strong note. A I will rock-and-roll-so-hard-you-will-see-me-through-clothing note.

Add in timely phone conversations with my cousin, and friends who are there when I need them, with lovely in-person coffee dates, and yeah, it might have started hard but it's a beautiful day today.

1 comment:

mom said...

You look fabulous Miss Cait. Glad to read that you are feeling better :-)