When I took the first pregnancy test at the end of January, it was very early on a Saturday morning. I sat in our bathroom and watched the ClearBlue test waiting to see if a '+' sign showed up, because if it didn't I was seriously confused about what was going on with my body. Instead of a clear blue '+' sign though, all I got was a very solid vertical line, and the faintest, almost imperceptible, blue horizontal line.
With shaking hands I turned the instructions over and over, but it was early morning and the instructions were all in German so I ran into the bedroom and told Dan I thought I was pregnant.
Then I cried.
Out of sheer disbelief and happiness because after having been on medication for so long, with a 'no loittering' sign put on my uterus by doctors, I couldn't believe this finally got to be real.
SO WHERE THE HECK WAS MY PLUS SIGN?
Dan was hyped up on adrenaline too, and collectively we became a sound argument that higher learning won't necessarily make you smarter because we couldn't figure out if this test showed a positive or if it was a dud. I took another one with the same results, and we decided to subdue our excitement and wait until Monday to see the doctor. Dan came with me to the appointment, I gave a urine sample to the doctor's lab techs, and then went back to the waiting room to be called to see the doctor. As we were waiting the lab tech came into the waiting room and announced in front of everyone the test was positive. Everyone stared at us while Dan and I beamed from ear-to-ear.
After we saw the doctor and left, we wondered when I'd start experiencing morning sickness. We assumed it would be the next day. See above for earlier example re: higher learning and street smarts. So the next day I woke up, all ready to hurl my cookies, and....nothing.
And the next day, nothing.
And the next, and the next, and the next.
WHAT WAS HAPPENING? WHY WASN'T I SICK?
The only change I noticed in myself was I was really out of breath walking up stairs, I was thirsty all the time, and if I didn't eat a banana at 2 a.m. I would probably try and eat a hunk out of our headboard. Despite these changes, I worried that the lack of nausea and puking meant something was wrong.
When I saw my OBGYN she asked how I was feeling.
"Terrible, I feel fine!"
Then she laughed and told me to enjoy it before doing an ultrasound where the little cellular blob that is our baby revealed itself on the screen. At that appointment we determined I was about nine weeks along, and she thought if I was to feel any sort of nausea or sickness it start soon. But it never came, and so I emailed my expert baby friend with a poorly disguised attempt to pretend I wasn't pregnant but if I was should I be sick?
The only thing I've ever heard from family, friends, and other pregnant ladies is how sick they were during the first trimester. How they couldn't eat anything, they puked up water, and the only thing they wanted to do all day was sleep. Why wasn't this happening to me?! I wanted this to happen to me as reassurance that all was well, but my expert friend assured me that not feeling sick was also normal.
I wasn't too reassured though, so I was very grateful when I was feeding the cats dinner one night (as I do every night) and the smells of their regular food became so disgusting to me that I threw up.
After that I became a human bloodhound. I could smell all the smells! I told a friend that if someone was missing a dog, they should give me one if its toys or its blanket and I could track that hound down!
Here is my official (incomplete) list of how the world stinks:
- Grocery stores. Ugh. The only good smelling part of the grocery store is the bread section. I gagged in the produce department trying to pick out some lettuce, and I almost puked in the seafood section. I literally had to run away to prevent a public display of puking.
- Pet stores. Oh gross.
- Buses. Humans with their breath and bodies in tightly packed spaces are gross. Now excuse while I get off three stops earlier than I have to so I can quietly gag into some bushes.
- The spring thaw. Rotten grass is unbearable.
- Department stores. It's too much of everything and everyone.
When I went for my second OBGYN appointment (the one where we saw a baby that looked sort of like a baby!) she told me this smell sensitivity would probably go away soon.
I was disappointed.
Did this mean I had to start feeding the cats again?
(Dan took over that job. We didn't let them starve! Be serious. They are still my babies!)
But as she predicted, this keen sense of smell--my only pregnancy symptom--has now disappeared and I am back to feeling completely normal. Why doesn't anyone tell you that even though a human being is growing inside you it is completely possible to feel as though there isn't one? It is worrying and unnerving since I have been raised on a diet of sensational pregnancy nightmares, so I have always just assumed that once I got pregnant I would immediately feel different and weird all the time.
Is the baby still in there?
I think about this a zillion times a day.
And where are my pregnancy cravings? I have none. The only thing I do crave is McDonald's cheeseburgers, and hell, there's nothing new about that. Those are delicious.
So today Dan and I have started to document what my growing stomach will look like from week-to-week as a reassurance that despite a lack of all other symptoms my growing stomach is a sign that yes a baby is in there; it's not just a gluttonous gut.
I'm about 17 weeks here.
Maybe it's only 16?
I've lost count already.
Is this bad?
The moral of this story friends and strangers, is if you know of someone who is/has been pregnant who wasn't sick, please spread that story around because no one tells it. I suspect it's for reasons of not wanting to appear righteous, but if all we hear are the stories of those who were so sick, it makes the non-sickies wonder what's up with them?