Thursday, 29 December 2011

Okay, Now I'll Talk About Christmas

I don't want to leave everyone with the wrong idea that my entire Christmas was a bust because of the whole Postie disappointment. In fact, Dan and I had a really wonderful Christmas and I was properly spoiled. Which is just how I like it. I won't say I was spoiled rotten because I'm not Veruca Salt, but I was very lucky to receive a number of items I was hankering after.

However, there was no Bernese Mountain Dog puppy under the tree.

Again.

For the fifteenth year in a row.

So wait, scratch that.

Christmas sucked!

Okay, it didn't.

On the 23rd we went over to Dan's aunt's where we had a roast beast dinner (all right, it was roast beef) and I was, for the first time, exposed to how painfully slow the Swiss unwrap gifts; a family friend was there and she'd bought a few gifts for the hosts. After supper they each sat down to unwrap their respective gifts, and I have never seen such a meticulous unwrapping of presents in all my years. I was watching, and watching, and watching when all of a sudden 'ZZZZZZZZ' I fell into a boredom induced coma.

And to clarify, it was only three people opening one package each.

When I unwrap a gift, I tear it open. My greedy talons shred the paper so that I can quickly get to the good stuff underneath. If it takes me longer than 10 seconds to open something, it's probably because it's a damn big box. But that is not how Dan's family opens gifts. Oh no. Firstly, one piece of tape is carefully peeled off the paper and then everyone pauses to chat for a minute. Then another piece of tape is carefully peeled off the paper and again, everyone pauses to chat for a minute; this continues until all five pieces of tape have been removed. Now the tape is off and the recipient carefully folds back the paper to reveal the contents before pausing again to chat for a minute (and not about the gift yet, either). The contents of the gift are then removed and set to one side while the wrapping paper is carefully folded up and neatly pressed for future use. Everyone pauses to chat for a minute. FINALLY the gift is examined and then everyone chats around the dinner table for a further five hours.

EXCRUCIATING.

Thank goodness I didn't have to be there for the main event on Christmas Eve. After a couple of minutes of this agony, with twelve people left to go to open gifts, I think I would have had a Prosecco induced fit and I would have stormed their tree, thrown myself at their gifts, and ripped everyone's presents open for them. After the damage was done I would have found myself wild-eyed and crazy-haired crouched amidst a sea of torn paper, whilst everyone looked at me in shock and disbelief, wondering how they were going to properly bundle and recycle all those scraps of paper I'd just created.

In short, I would have ruined Christmas.

So good thing it was just Dan and I the day of, and so it was more than appropriate for me to just rip open all my presents with barely a glance at the card, leaving a messy pile of wrapping paper everywhere for a few hours, and then stuffing it all into a trash bag while simultaneously stuffing my mouth with turkey wellington.

It was a great day.

But now lovelies, FOR THE LOVE OF PUPPY DOGS WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME A GD BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG.

Fifteen years I've been asking for one.

FIFTEEN MOFO YEARS.

Affectionately yours,

Veruca Salt

(er, I mean...Caitie)

2 comments:

Ais said...

Haha, aw, poor Caitie! You should wait and get a dog when you move back! Then he won't have to be trapped underneath an airplane for all the hours!

Caitie said...

Ais--You're supposed to be on my side! haha ;-)