Friday, 25 November 2011

But Beyonce Makes It Look Easy

Given the title to this post, you are probably thinking that I was trying to copy the moves Beyonce herself ripped off in her 'Love on Top' video.

Um, of course I did. What else does one do when wrapping Christmas presents (that need to get sent off ASAP so they will be under Canadian Christmas trees) but make a YouTube playlist and dance around?

And trust me, I don't look like Beyonce when trying to do this video.

I look better.

Okay, I don't. Basically I just flail around and knock the cats' water bowl over. Anyhow, this is all getting rather real and embarrassing. But if you watch the video, at one point there's a costume change (or five) and she's dancing around in heels. This baffles me because I can hardly walk in heels, let alone dance in them. And because I can hardly walk in heels it makes sense that I should purchase a pair when looking to replace an everyday pair of shoes, does it not?

So does everyone remember my London funk shoes? Well, this past October they were officially run into the ground and I needed to get a new pair. This is par for the course; I go through one pair of shoes a year because I hate shoe shopping so I find one pair and then stick with them until there comes a point when the shoes become so worn out that trodden-upon gum becomes stuck to my big toe instead of the sole of my shoe. So I ventured into Bern to find a suitable replacement when I passed a gorgeous shoe store that had lovely feminine shoes angled seductively in the window.

"Maybe I do need to know how to wear high heels. I am a grown ass woman, and I need to accept the fact that sometimes being comfortable when you walk isn't all that matters! Stateliness is key!"

So riding on this euphoric high of subversive feminism, I went in to try and find a pair that would fit my small but wide feet.

I did.

And without further ado, here are the shoes I purchased with the intent to make them my new everyday autumnal footwear.


The first time I wore these, I made it to the bus stop before my feet were so numb I had to hobble home to change shoes.  The second time I wore them I made it all the way into Bern wherein I then stuck strictly to a one block radius of the Bahnhoff before stumping home, Tiny Tim style. The third time I wore these Dan and I were going to do a little pub crawl, but I couldn't walk so we stayed at the restaurant at the Bahnhoff.

They are a real delight.

The only reason I keep subjecting myself to their contorting cruelty is because they look damn good (and they cost a lot and Dan said I'd never wear them again and I have to prove him wrong). Needless to say, these have not become my everyday shoes and instead I've been wearing a pair of my boots around all the time.

A pair of flat-soled boots that Beyonce wouldn't be caught dead walking the streets of Paris in (not to imply they're ugly, because they're not; they're just flat-soled). So on Wednesday Dan and I were walking home--me in my boots--when I was ironically asking how anyone could wear high heels all the time. They are a major hazard. This last sentence was uttered at the precise moment when I stepped awkwardly off a curb and felt my right foot bend sideways at a ninety-degree angle so that my body weight was briefly resting on my ankle.

I felt things crunch and pop in my foot.

Then I uttered a string of painful expletives as I hopped around, unable to put any weight on my foot. It's just a sprain, and on Wednesday night I had a pretty sweet golf-ball sized growth attached to my ankle that thankfully has almost gone away, but I'm still stumping around Tiny Tim style.


I'm a mess.

I can't walk in heels, apparently I also can't walk in flats, and I definitely can't do the Love on Top dance moves.

Maybe I just need to evolve backwards and become a sea dwelling mammal. I'm an excellent swimmer after all, and am very graceful in the water.

But people, I need to know: is it just me? Am I the only one who can't wear heels? They hurt for everyone, right? And some people are just better at dealing with it?


Helen said...

I live in flats and only wear heels on rare occasions, despite loving how they look and having many, many pairs including 3 pairs of beautiful high heeled boots. My flat boots split recently though so for this week I've been wearing various pairs of heeled shoes. I convinced myself this was good practice to becoming graceful and elegant and one of those women who can walk well in them. Sadly, this is not the case. After 6 days in non-stop heels my back aches and the balls of my feet started burning on a regular basis. Today I am back in the flats, split be damned.

I have so much admiration for women who can not only wear heels but look comfortable and graceful in them. And dancing? Never going to happen. (I always have a pair of flats on me for occasions like weddings where I know there will be dancing later on. Rollasoles are one of the best inventions ever!)

CherylfromSaskatchewan said...

Oh. Heels. Tools of the devil, I am sure.
But - flats from Land's End - best shoes ever! I too have small but wide feet and their wide ballet flats and loafers fit so well. I have SO many pairs of shoes from there (OK - lots of sweaters too, but that is a story for another time) that I have a basket at the front door for just me!!!
Hope the ankle is better!

mom said...

Ah Cait! I too love heels and used to be able to wear them in fact, but alas, I can't wear them anymore cause they hurt my feet, calves and heaven knows that I would be really pissed if I turned my ankle and couldn't do my training so all of my lovely heels have gone to homes where they will be appreciated :-))

T said...

I'm a flats girl too, the closest I have to heels are the tiny kitten heeled shoes. I love the way heels look and feel when I'm standing in one place, but the second I move I do the Tiny Tim too!

Ais said... least they look good right?

jessica said...

you know you should have sent those presents in March right? :)
i love the shoes!!

Caitie said...

Helen--I know, some women make it look so easy walking in heels! And they are so elegant and graceful. Kudos for making it almost an entire week in heels!

Cheryl--I will have to check out their website! The ankle is doing much better, I didn't limp at all today :-)

Mom--Remember those wicked foxy heels we bought you for Christmas years ago? The brown alligator pair. You didn't throw those ones away, right ;-)I'm sure you'd never dispose of such a treasured gift from your angelic daughters.

T--Kitten heels are were it's at. But you know, if could just hire someone to carry us around where we need to go, while wearing our heels, that would solve all our problems. We could stand in one spot looking elegant, and then as soon as we need to be moved: "Oh James, be a darling and bring the rickshaw 'round."

Ais--they look really good. Sigh.

Jessica--Ah! Maybe I should have sent them off last January 1st ;-)