Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Television Gold

Do you guys find that if you're in the company of certain people, and you admit to watching television, you might as well be admitting to the fact that you have a fierce garbage eating problem?

Hey, did you guys see that funny episode of...

What? No. We NEVER watch television. There's no point to it. It's mindless entertainment so we NEVER watch it. Disgusting.

Sometimes I feel really bad for the moms out there, because if they let it slip that they let their kid watch some cartoons every now and then, I've observed that they feel the need to do a lot of backtracking after admitting to this ("Oh, it was only for like a minute, and then I made them do some advanced Sodoku!"). It seems like by admitting to letting the kid watch some television, they actually just admitted to something outrageously unprincipled like: "I let the baby eat broken glass," or, "Little Jimmy was asking about the birds and the bees, so I threw a porno in the DVD player." 

Yes, television is definitely a strangely sensitive topic for some people (as we all spend hours on the computer). Very strange.

As you might have guessed though, I really don't have a problem with television. Sure there's a lot of crap out there (*coughCNNcough*), but if you want to zone out in front of the television for an hour or so at night, I really don't care, and feel free to admit it. If your kids are driving you up the wall, you haven't showered, and can't remember the last time you spoke to an adult, feel free to admit to me that you plunked them in front of a movie. I promise to tell everyone that you only let them watch organic programing.

Because if television wasn't in my home, and I found the act of watching it common and distasteful, then I wouldn't have been able to have discovered pure television gold that often has me laughing so much, I can be found rolling around the couch and crying in hilarious disbelief. This show that I'm speaking of is Britain's Come Dine With Me.

The premises of Come Dine With Me seems to be you take four strangers and they each have to throw a dinner party in their home. At the end of four days (when everyone has cooked for everyone else) the scores are tallied and one person wins a cash prize. But the beauty of this show seems to be that they pick the most outrageous and clashing personalities to sit across the table from one another, and having an ability to cook doesn't seem to be a prerequisite to getting on the show.

In case some of you out there haven't had a good laugh in awhile, here are a few snippets of why I find this show particularly hilarious:
  • A grown man is staring at his whole (unpeeled, uncut) lemon and can't figure out how to juice it. After trying to mash it with a potato masher, he thinks 'sod it' and throws it in a food processor to whizz up (rind, pith, seeds, and all) because 'that will get the juice out'. Yum, delicious.
  • The same grown man is cutting up an onion, and the recipe instructs the onion must be 'thinly sliced'. As he saws away at his onion, he tells the camera with all the wisdom of a Michelin star chef, that thinly sliced means 'really small so your guests can't see it. I mean, not invisible or anything, but so thin they can't see it.' Not invisible or anything?...BAHAHAHAHA.
  • In trying to prepare a mint, pea and potato soup, the evening's host busts out his egg beaters and tries to beat the dry peas and potatoes in a frying pan. "This isn't working. How come it's not going soupy? Do I have to add water?"
  • One diner reads the menu and wonders aloud, 'I didn't know tuna can come like a steak. I thought it only came out of a can? How will he shape it like a steak? Mayo?'
  • The same diner fearfully stabs a spear of asparagus and sniffs it with trepidation, "Wha's this?" Everyone stares at her like she's a moron. "Can I eat the hairy end?"
  • The camera crew pull the diner aside so she can explain her asparagus blunder. "Well I didn't know what it was. I don't ever eat vegetables and all that."
  • One host is trying to cut through an avocado but gets frustrated as she moans that she obviously bought a dud avocado: "There's a nut-thing in the middle of here! How do I get through that?"
  • After tasting her homemade guacamole she cringes at the flavour, "This gonorrhea tastes terrible."
  • As one host prepares the food, her guests roam about her home trying to discover embarrassing items
    hidden in cupboards and drawers. Going into their host's bedroom, they discover a giant jar full of HAIR. They later learn the host is so afraid of going bald, she's been saving all her hair from every haircut, so one day she can fashion herself a wig. Who's hungry?
  • And finally, the number one most entertaining moment from this show is when one host, after serving a truly fine appetizer and main course, brings out her dessert with her pet snake wrapped around her neck. She places her impressive dessert before her horror-stricken guests, then lets the snake on the table so it can weave amongst the plates. As the snake canvasses the table it lifts up its rather large tail and then takes a huge sh*t all over one guest's dessert.
Oh man, even the memory of these episodes has me laughing hysterically again.

Sometimes 'garbage' can be so satisfying.


Helen said...

The best bit of CDWM, aside from the insane contestants, is in the narrator. His dry asides and sarcasm have become legendary over here.

If you can, catch the celebrity ones. Even more mad than the general public.

Habebi said...

No judgements from me Besides, that show IS a riot!! Totally worth any scorn anyone wants to dish out.