Tuesday, 9 November 2010

When Things Don't Go According To Plan

I rented a car last week, as it was my plan to bomb around country roads and take some photos. I didn't quite get to do as much adventuring as I wanted to, as I came down with the Plague/Malaria. I'm still suffering from this hybrid disease as I type this, and every so often I hunch up my shoulders and cough so badly that I think my lung is going to come out of my nose.

This is super great timing for the wedding this weekend. The wedding where I have to stand up beside the bride and give a speech. Oh yeah. Three cheers for timing--HACK, COUGH, GENERAL GROSSNESS.

Anyhow, though I wasn't on the go every day (as was my plan) I did manage to take the little car out one day, and myself and Tia (the family dog) spent a morning touring around and turning down roads I usually always passed by. One of the roads I drove down led me right to the Thompson River, and to this really scenic rest stop underneath a little bridge.

I decided to pull over and get some pictures and let Tia splash around in the river.

  
 
 
 

Now as I was taking pictures, I wasn't keeping a particularly close eye on Tia but I could hear her bounding around in the river and ripping up and down the stony shore line, so I knew she was having fun. After about 30 minutes of being down by the water, I called her back to the car. I folded out her blanket so she wouldn't get the rental all dirty, and she hopped in the back. I climbed in the driver's seat, and off we went again.

I'm not kidding when I say the tires maybe rotated four times before it hit me. This...this...pungent odor that was rolling off Tia's golden coat in nauseating waves of rankness. If that odor had a colour it would have been green; putrid, decaying, corpse green.

Considering I have the Plague/Malaria, my nose is absolutely stuffed up; I haven't been able to smell anything for days. The fact that I could sense how rotten Tia smelled, well my god I would hate to have known what she smelled like if both nasal passages were clear.  As soon as that scent hit my nose I instantly started retching and dry heaving. I pulled over to the side of the road again, fumbled with my seat belt, and basically rolled out of the car in a desperate effort to inhale as much clean air as quickly as possible.

As I stood over a ditch holding my stomach and coming soclosethisclose to throwing up, I looked back at the car and saw Tia sitting up, looking perky as ever, staring at me out the back window. Her ears were perked, her head was cocked to the left, and her happy eyes were clearly saying to me: Hey Buddy, what's up? Let's go. Let's get on with the best day ever. What are you doing? Can we go now? Come on. I love you.

Getting back in the car the smell hit me again as she leaned over the seat and her odorous doggy breath hit me in the face.

I got out of the car again.

Clearly she had not only rolled in a dead something (I'm assuming fish, since she spent most of her time right by the river) but she'd also happily snacked on the rotting corpse. Her breath smelled like shit. Literally.

Holding my breath and getting back in the car, I rolled down every single window, put the car in drive, and skidded away from the shoulder of the road while hanging my head out the window to avoid, at all costs, having to smell that smell.  My day adventure was going to have to be cut seriously short, because there was no way I was going to be able to drive with her all day long; we had to go home. But as I was travelling back along the dirt road to get to the highway a demon dog sprang out of the ditch and started chasing our car.

It seriously was a demon dog: it was pure black but had icey, glowing, blue eyes. And this damn dog got right up beside my car and was hopping up and down barking at us. The dog's owner was out in the field, but wasn't too concerned with calling ol' blue eyes back to his side. So as as this dog was hopping around beside the car, I had to slow down because I didn't want to hit it. But Tia, well she was not at all pleased with how Icey was getting all up in her business so she stuck her head out the open window behind me and started barking like crazy. But every time she barked, the smell of death just kept punching me in the face.

I started gagging again and dry heaving but was forced to roll up the windows so Tia would stop hanging out and hopefully Icey would back the hell off so I could step on the gas and get home. We managed to get away from Icey, and down the windows went again. I had to stop once more on the way home to get out for air, but we made it home. I had to give her a bath, which she thought was just the best thing ever. I kept my head twisted as far away from her as possible, but Tia considered that a personal challenge to do everything she possibly could to not only reach my face, but to lick it.

Tia weighs 90lbs. She's huge. Her paws are almost the same size as my hand (I also have sort of small hands, FYI).

I did not win the battle.

Tia: 1   Caitie: Scarred for Life.

1 comment:

Ais said...

Hahahaha! Oh little T! She does her best to be gross sometimes! And she will definitely get in your face when she knows your trying to avoid her! Haha, thats so funny. Im glad I didnt come with you that day!