You know, considering the fact that one almost needs to sell their organs on the black market in order to even be able to afford to go to the movies these days, I thought that it was sort of a given that everyone in the audience is always on their very best 'I'm a functioning member of society, I want to quietly enjoy this movie because my ticket, my beverage, and my popcorn have just cost me a year's salary' behaviour.
As witnessed this week, it appears I was wrong. It appears as though there still exist social ignoramuses who have no clue what sort of behaviour is expected of them when they are in a crowded theatre.
Be advised, dear reader, that the following is a rant in the form of an open letter addressed to THE FUCKING LOUDEST WOMAN WHO HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH (who shall herein be known as FLW).
We all hated you. All of us. Everyone in the theatre, with the exception of your seatmate who is the 2nd FLW, hated you.
1. When you eat popcorn, it shouldn't sound like you're chewing on Styrofoam. I have never heard such a loud display of munching on popcorn in all my 29 years. I like popcorn just as much as the next person, but here's the thing FLW, I chew with my mouth closed. When a person chews with their mouth closed not only does it minimize the sound of one's molars crunching down on the popcorn, but it also ensures that all one's food stays in one's mouth; furthermore, chewing with one's mouth closed ensures that reasonable bite sizes are taken. I heard you, FLW, we all heard you, struggling to cram those fistfuls of popcorn into your mouth. Slow down. The extra large bucket's all yours. Nobody's eating it but you. Take as much time as you need.
2. But you know what was even worse than the extremely loud munching of the popcorn? It was the excessive--violent--laughter over little jokes that weren't that funny. Look, FLW, it's not like the movie wasn't chuckle worthy, but when Katherine Heigl walked downstairs with poop on her face I didn't need to hear you exclaim: OH MY GOD! BAWHAHAHA. BAWHAHAHA. THEY'VE GOT TO BE JOKING! BAWHAHAHA. BAWHAHAHA. This was the instance when you really sealed your fate and you became a person that we all hated. And you know why?
3. Because they were joking! FLW, it's a comedy. The whole thing is one giant joke. It's not real life. By the end of the movie I can assure you that all of us in the theatre wished we were watching the end of Marley and Me instead of that movie, because every time a joke was cracked I am sure the audience did a collective cringe, just waiting for your over exaggerated laugh to a really cookie-cutter joke.
4. FLW, I know you've seen romantic comedies before, which makes the violent laughter so confusing; we weren't dealing with really original material. And you know how I know that you've seen a romantic comedy before? Because you provided a running dialogue of what you thought was going to happen for most of the movie. After the main characters made a questionable decision involving pot brownies, you decided to tell us all I BET THE CASE WORKER WILL SHOW UP NOW. BAWHAHAHA. And then when the case worker actually did show-up, watch out fellow audience members because YOU KNEW IT. And FLW, it's a romantic comedy; that means that at one point in the movie the two main characters are basically required to have an anguished fight and suffer a brief period of separation. We can all figure out on our own that at some point it's a given that one of them WILL BE CHASED THROUGH THE AIRPORT.
5. Basically what I'm saying in point 4 is don't state the obvious! We know, the whole plot line is obvious! Which is why I found it extremely irritating that when the motorcycle met its predictable end, you screamed. You actually screamed! This wasn't a horror movie and your scream was overly dramatic. And here's why: a motorcycle that is operating of its own accord, that is sans people, is not going to park itself in the garage. THAT'S COMMON SENSE. The scream was so unnecessary.
6. But FLW, you had no common sense. None at all. That's why you laughed at an excessive volume, you groaned 'YEAH, NICE' when the gay characters were introduced (are you a bigot?), you were the lone voice that cheered 'ALRIGHT' when a cheap joke was made about kicking one's spouse in the face (surely you can't possibly be married? Who could stand you?), you carried on a regular toned conversation with 2nd FLW, you ignored people who pointedly shushed you, and why near the end of the show (because I guess your jaws must always be moving) you stuffed your mouth with gum and proceeded to snap it like you were in high school and trying to attract the attention of a greaser.
You're a social disaster FLW. Therefore, you have the dubious distinction of being awarded the trophy for Biggest Social Reject I've Met This Week.
I hope to never hear you again.
A Girl Who Was Really Excited About Going To The Movies With Her Friend, And You Ruined It.
P.S. I found your fuzzy leopard print hat with matching scarf to be visually offensive.