A living room. A room you live in. A room where you can kick off your shoes, get crumbs on the couch, watch a movie, and feel comfortable.
Well, let's just say I am now thankful we have a proper living room, because if you'll recall it used to look like this:
Those were bare days my friends, very bare.
But one day Dan and I picked ourselves off the floor, we stretched out all the kinks, and decided: "To Ikea!" Then we went again, and again, and again. Stopping only when we could actually live in our living room.
Caitie: So Caitie, please tell everyone why you decided to get a steel gray couch and a black rug?
Me: Ikea told me to do it.
Me: That's the best answer I can give you.
Caitie: Are you feeling okay?
Me: Actually NO I'm not! Ikea gives you all these ideas; they whisper in your ear about this matching with that, and look at this wall of couches and that wall of carpets, and hey why not throw in a splash of red while you're at it. But they never tell you about all the vacuuming! The endless vacuuming to get rid of white cat hair that balls itself up onto dark fabric. THEY DIDN'T TELL ME.
Caitie: You're out of your tree. I don't feel comfortable continuing this interview.
Me: I promise to be more coherent from now on.
Caitie: That wall behind the television looks uncomfortably bare. How do you stand it?
Me: Excuse me? Are you rude all the time? First you make me relive the horror of endless vacuuming, and now you draw attention to this blank wall. I have half a mind to chuck you out.
Caitie: You can't.
Me: I know.
Caitie: So, what about the blank wall?
Me: Well, it's blank. One day soon we will develop a few of our travel pictures and hang them on either side of the television.
Caitie: One day soon? That doesn't sound very concrete. Is this like your plans to 'one day soon' visit a winery for dinner? The same plan you've had for the past five years, but haven't acted upon?
Caitie: I can't.
Me: I know.
Caitie: Please explain why you have candles that you haven't burned.
Me: I don't want to.
Caitie: Okay, tell us about this bowl then. It looks broken.
Me: That's because it is broken. One of the movers packed it in a box that contained DVDs. He wrapped the bowl up in two pieces of paper, then put it on top of all the DVDS, taped up the box, and stacked heavier boxes on top of that box. The bowl never stood a chance. I was pissed. But I have glued it back together and it still looks beautiful.
Caitie: What do you use it for?
Me: Well, I used to use it as a candy bowl. But only one member of the the family was eating the candy from the bowl, and said family member is a cat and wasn't supposed to be eating the said candy. So now we use it as follows...
Me: ...to hold a cat brush and a repurposed toiletries bottle filled with water. We hardly ever use the brush (hence all the vacuuming), but the water comes in handy to spritz the candy thief with.
Caitie: And tell us about this painting. Isn't it too suggestive to be in your living room?
Me: What are you, Amish? Next question.
Caitie: Well okay, but wouldn't you agree there is a pattern of suggestive artwork in this room. I mean just look at this statue.
Me: This is Venus, and once again, thanks for being so mean! As if I wanted to discuss Venus.
Caitie: Why are you so sore about her existence?
Me: Well if you must know, Venus is the other woman in my marriage. In fact, she's been the other woman since BEFORE Dan and I were married. He acquired her in Rome, and then proceeded to lug her dead weight around for the rest of our trip, even managing to get her on the plane! I think Venus is as tacky as a bedazzled handbag, but Dan disagrees and insists she is always prominently displayed. I fear she will never go away. Never. But I object to you saying there is only suggestive artwork in my living room. Why, just look at this.
Caitie: What, the scratching post? Yes, very nouveau.
Me: No! I mean the portrait. It's my great-great-grandma Louisa, and the painting was done by a Vancouver artist. I only have a picture of the original painting, but the painting hung/hangs in the Vancouver art gallery.
Caitie: But doesn't this portrait look too old fashioned to be hanging in your
Ikea showcase living room?
Me: !!!! Why, because she's wearing long skirts and is clearly mending something? The painting was done in the 1800s. That's what women wore/did in the 1800s. This woman is related to me! Life doesn't always have to be a contemporary masterpiece you know, sometimes you have to embrace your roots.
Caitie: Just sayin'. Calm down.
Me: This interview is over!
Caitie: Until tomorrow.
Me: I know.