Thursday, 26 August 2010

In Which I Stare Inappropriately (For An Extremely Long Time)

Let's face it, getting the Canada shipment has been the highlight of my week.  All week I've been organizing like crazy, and setting things up.
Yesterday I spent a  considerable chunk out of my day just devoting my attention to my bookshelf.

Oh yes, you read that right.  Hours were joyfully spent stacking, shuffling, and arranging my precious novels.

I am a Bibliophile (Kindle be damned!) and my books need to be a certain way.  I cannot tell you how much it pains me that after all my careful attention to detail, I then had to sacrifice precious shelf-space so that Dan had room for his comic book collection. Last night I actually had to repeat our marriage vows silently and bite my knuckles, as he gleefully set up his dime-store reads.

Marriage is hard.

But today the sun was too bright to be ignored, so mid-morning I decided to abandon all unpacking in favour of soaking up some sun. 

I wandered around Bern and area for awhile, and then ended up in my favourite place: the gardens of the Berner Münster.

(Click here and here to see the church in all it's splendour)

I sat on one of the green benches under the shade of a protective tree and people watched.

One guy who caught my attention was a young dude who came jogging into the park. He had his white ear buds in, and appeared to be breaking after a profuse run (he was sweaty).  As I stared at his shortly cropped black hair, tanned skin, and ripped biceps, he glanced my way.

Holy. Crap.

Taylor Lautner?!

If you've read this site at all, you have probably figured out I enjoy a smattering of Hollywood gossip. What can I say, it's a guilty pleasure without the calories (actually, I'm probably loosing weight when I indulge that snackish craving, because I'm pretty sure every time I read about Lindsay's f-cked up life and Britney's busted weave, I kill off a few brain cells).

So imagine me sitting in the park, staring at this guy, thinking: I've spotted a celebrity! And not just any celebrity, a crazy ripped one!

My Nan reads this website and I'm not sure she knows who Taylor Lautner is, so for the purpose of making sure my Nan is visually up to speed on the story, I have done some extensive journalism and present you with this picture:

Image via Google Images

Oolala. I will admit that while watching New Moon there were some very inappropriate thoughts swirling through my head when this 'kid' ripped off his shirt.

Oh that's right, I said 'kid'. He's illegal, everybody.  The thought police could totally lock me up and throw away the key.

But back to the park.  So the dude jogs in, does some stretches, drinks his water, and then he collapses on the bench across from me and looks around.  I continued staring.

His cellphone rang, and I'm almost certain he answered it....IN ENGLISH!

The stare-fest continued, but this time I tried to employ my go-go-gadget hearing to eavesdrop.  You know, to see if I recognized his voice.

Gah! Just ship me off to the wastelands now! I am clearly the creepiest and weirdest person who has ever lived!

I couldn't hear his conversation, but that didn't stop me from continuing to 'subtly' stare.  I was wearing my sunglasses, which are big Ray Bans, so they make spying perfect because you can tilt your head left while actually looking right. Sneaky, sneaky.

Each time he moved and randomly glanced my way, I became ever more certain of the fact I was sharing air space with Taylor Lautner.

As my excitement mounted over my certainty that he's Taylor Lautner!, a posse of tweens flooded the gardens, along with their teacher. And that posse of tweens included a lot of girls. 

One of The Teenagers at Dan's aunt and uncle's place has a poster of Taylor L. on her wall, so I know that Swiss teens KNOW of his existence. If this dude was who I thought he was, he was going to be bombarded with hormone-charged girls, looking for an autograph and hug.

But Taylor sat on his bench, looking nonplussed about the sudden influx of hormonally charged tweenies.

Odd, but he hasn't been spotted yet.  He's probably just playing it cool.

The tweens met with their teacher at the ping-pong table, received their assignment, then spread out through the park.

Taylor still continued to sit on his bench, but now he was bopping his head to whatever beat was pulsing through his earphones.

Is he trying to pretend he's just like everyone else? But he's not! He's crazy ripped Taylor Lautner, who has six important acting skills: ab one, ab two, ab three...

I still hadn't given up hope this guy was Taylor Lautner; the resemblance was uncanny! But the truth came about ten minutes later when a group of girls flocked to the bench where he was study the tree!  They were earnestly studying the damn tree that grew right next to the bench.  They were taking bark rubbings while collecting little berry and leaf samples; they were behaving like naturalists when they should have been conducting a social science experiment by screaming: "AHH!! Taylor Lautner! Swoon!"

All the while, Taylor's doppelganger sat on this bench bopping along to the song without a care in the world.  Similarly, though the girls did glance his way, none of them flung themselves at his feet pleading to be given the chewing gum stuck to the sole of his Nikes. 

This was obviously not Taylor Lautner.


Today's disappointment has taught me an important lesson: books are better than movies.

At least with books you aren't set up to believe you can walk around a corner in Bern and blurt out: "Mr. Darcy! Is that really you! I'm such a fan! How's Elizabeth?" or likewise, "Harry Potter! OMG, I totally dig your scar!"


Habebi said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! "Six important acting skills.. ab one, ab two..." That line is pure brilliance. Eventhough he wasn't Taylor Lautner you did enjoy some lovely sculpted yumminess and that's something.

mom said...

Cait, you kill me

T said...

hahaha, what a good story to start the day with! (I actually had no idea who Taylor Lautner was either!)