Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Should I Drop My Resume Off?

So as you may have deduced, I am currently unemployed.

Who blogs nearly everyday?  Everyone knows you have to play it cool and post maybe three times a week, in order to keep people interested and clicking back for more.

I don't really know what my professional niche will be in Switzerland. If I lived in Zurich, where most international firms are based, I think I would have a better chance of working in my field of experience.  But alas, my Internet research has led me to conclude that in order to be employed in my field of experience around Bern, I probably need to be fluent in German.

In case you've forgotten, my current knowledge of German is so bad it scares small children. 

So I think it's going to take awhile before I can fluently tell the Church of Scientology fanatic to piss off and keep his crazy to himself, when he tries to corner me at the Saturday morning plaza.

So what do I do with myself?  How do I become a productive member of society again?  Who wants to hire little ol' me, when so far my best tools of communication have been large smiles, flailing arm gestures, and at one point miming.

Well, I think I've found just the employer! I happen to have fallen in love with the village that Dan's aunt and uncle live in, and I've been scheming different plots that would allow us to move here.

This potential employer I've found is located in the neighbouring village.  And if they hired me, Dan would probably would want to minimize my commute (in order to avoid people staring at me on the bus) and likely we'd relocate to this pastoral paradise I've fallen for.  And it would be perfect, because I could WALK to work under the cover of the forest, so no one would stare.

Why do you assume people will stare at you?

Well, if these guys hire me, I can only imagine the uniform I will be forced to wear.  I think it will definitely be stare-inducing.

Freak Labor, thata way.

Where do I apply? 

What sort of freak labor do they handle?  I think it's like a temp agency, where they send their freakiest laborers out for the jobs.  

Need me to be a carnie with a personal hygiene problem and a foul personality?  No problem, just give me a couple of weeks notice so I can really perfect my look.  And don't worry, I don't need to know how to operate the rides, that's all part of the job description. Hahaha, safety is for losers anyhow!

Need me to dress-up like an underground goth, and pick garbage from the side of the road?  I can do that!

Need me to wait tables at your restaurant, while walking around and lovingly plucking a hair from my head and tenderly placing it across your guest's prime rib as they're poised to take a bite? That's not a problem! I've got loads of hair, one or two missing follicles won't matter.  In fact...if I pluck out one hair, two will probably grow back in it's place, so I will have even more hair to litter in your patron's soups and salads.  You should totally hire me.

Do you need me to be totally callous and go to the elementary schools and tell children that the big SC is a myth, the TF doesn't want their molars, and the EB was shot ages ago by a hunter?  Hey, not a problem!  Everyone knows children shouldn't believe in those lies anyhow, because they will traumatized for life by having believed in a bit of fun and magic.  I will squash their childhood imaginations like a spider!  Just say the word! We need more mini-adults in this world.

Want me to dress like a cat, and randomly prowl up to strangers in plazas and MEOW in their face?  Well, it would take me awhile to find a believable costume, but I'm up for the task.

So Internet, what do you think?  Should I drop my resume off at Freak Labor?

And if you think I should, what do you think my first freak labor assignment will be, assuming they hire me? And to ensure they hire me, I need to make a great first impression so how should I dress for the job interview?

These are very important questions.  After all, I would hate to look like a fool.

6 comments:

Habebi said...

As some one who's about to go out there and look for a job I feel your pain! Though I don't have the language barrier to face. Way to have a sense of humour about things though, this post made me smile lots. Good luck with your job search and German language skills- it'll all come together and be great!

mom said...

Miss Cait....you could do a "dog & pony" show...you have all of the needed props :-)

Ais said...

What do you mean it would take you a couple of weeks to prepare for the position of "carnie"? They could pretty much just hire you on the spot! Lol, jk Cait. I wonder what Freak Labour is?

M'dame Jo said...

On a more serious note... how's your french? Fribourg isn't far from Bern.

Caitie said...

Oh M'dame Jo, my French is just as non-existant as my German. It is of course assumed that being from Canada,I should have at least a rudimentary knowledge of the language. But in fact, if you live in Western Canada, French barely exists. I know school curriculum is a little different today, but I didn't start learning French until grade 7, and even then we spent maybe an hour a week on it, tops. It was mandatory until grade 10, and then *poof* no more French if you didn't want to take it. So yeah, I'm basically one of these transplanted North Americans who only know English. But I WILL learn German, oh I will...

M'dame Jo said...

Yes, that was my guess. Well, you have no other choice than learning then ;-)

I have a friend from Calgary who learnt some French at school, so he speaks Québécois with an english accent, it's hilarious (for me, at least).