In an effort to improve my German before classes begin (how embarrassing to show up to beginners German and know nothing), I have been watching a little television in the evenings when my Swiss Translator is home. There's no point trying to watch when he's not around, because then there's no one to answer my "what'dhesaywhat'dhesaywhat'dhesaywhat'dhesay" questions.
There's a pretty wicked rainstorm happening right now, so the t.v. signal is a little sketchy and we appear to have picked up a French channel.
And guess what's playing: WHEEL OF FORTUNE! Except, it's France's version which means it is seriously more interesting.
The host looks like the French version of a mature Jersey Shore Guido: he's all polished and tanned, wearing expensive cashmere, tailored pants, and his nails even look like they've been buffed.
Sitting beside the host is a white short hair dog, which dog has a perfect black circle over its right eye. I have no clue what purpose the dog serves, but he sits on his chair and it is obvious he does not want to be there. He looks around, lies down, sighs, stands up again. He just can't seem to get comfortable. Every so often the French Guido gives the dog a pat.
There is a live band that plays in the background, and wheel play seems to spontaneously stop while the band belts out a little number and the three contestants just dance around for a minute or two. Then the band stops and the wheel is spun again.
Now here's what I don't get. One lady landed on a card that had some French writing on it, and a couple of €€ noted. And guess what she won? She won a garden hose that was in the shape of a curly fry, which hose had a nozzle on each end. The host danced this gift over to her, along with three cacti and a Mexican blanket. What the what? And the lady held her face in her hands with delight over receiving these gifts! Where's the money? The car? The trip? Were these items code, and they actually meant she won a trip to Mexico?
And yes, while all these crazy shenanigans take place, there is actually a puzzle on the board that is being solved. The only puzzle I've understood so far though is "Brad Pitt". And when the male contestant solved this lengthy uncrackable code, oh the dancing resumed again. How they danced, danced, danced. Except for the dog, who continued to look bored.
And who is Vanna White in this scenario? Well, there is a Vanna-esque woman turning the letters but she looks more like a Bond Girl's trashy Playboy Playmate cousin. I don't know what her costumes usually look like, but tonight she is wearing what appears to be a white maid uniform (the kind of dress girls looking for the wrong kind of attention wear at Halloween), with black shiny latex gloves that go up past her elbows, and black latex booties that go over her ankles. White and black. It looks like she's trying to match the dog. Hair colour? Need you even ask: it's bottle blond of course. And the weirdest thing is, she plays coy before turning the letters.
She acts like, "Will I turn the letter? hehehe. Okay, I'll turn the letter. hehehe."
This show is crazy!
The contestant who just made it to the final round, final puzzle, appears to have lost. She walks away with...a teddy bear! Again, what the what? But she actually hasn't left the stage, as the credits roll French Vanna has joined the Wheel of Fortune looser, but teddy bear winner, on stage and the two of them are dirty dancing, while French Vanna has one finger in her mouth and is looking at the camera like, "Who me?"
And the French Guido Host has the dog, and is dancing around with the poor thing while the viewing audience is jiving around in their seats, loving it all.
Now that I'm finished writing this, I just realized this post contains words like "latex" and "Playboy" and "trashy" and "coy". I'm afraid to even know what sort of pervs are going to end up here, when their Google search leads them to this PG-13 post.
I can only report what I saw though! I tried to keep it clean! I blame France!