An extreme inability to learn from my mistakes. I believe the proper medical term for me is "deficient twit".
I have a bit of an issue with eating breakfast. As in, I never want to eat any. Ever since I was a kid, I usually feel sick if I eat in the morning. I remember one particular sleepover when my friend's mom (a dietitian, go figure) absolutely insisted I eat the breakfast she had made.
But I feel sick if I eat too early.
You must have a good breakfast to start the day. Sit at the table and eat-up.
And then she piled two large blueberry pancakes on my plate and stood in the kitchen, spatula raised (she was still tending to other pancakes, but in my mind the threat was there) and watched me reluctantly shovel those doughy rounds in. And once I was finished, I politely excused myself from the table and heaved the flapjacks into their downstairs toilet.
So basically, breakfast I and haven't really been on speaking terms for years. There is a problem with not getting your morning meal though, and that would be the massive sugar crashes you can get from a combination of no food and strenuous activity.
I cannot even tell you the number of times my poor mom has had to bail me out when my blood sugar levels have dropped to non-existent after working out too hard on an empty stomach.
There was a certain bike trip we went on when I suddenly got so dizzy my bike practically stopped mid-rotation and just fell over, as I was powerless to even put a leg out to stop myself. The result saw my mom on her hands and knees, in the middle of the forest, wearing her bike helmet and biking gear, foraging for wild strawberries for her useless daughter who was lying spread eagle on the ground heaving in distress.
Another time involved me going for a super intense swim. When I got out of the pool I started to feel extremely nauseous. I staggered to the change room and collapsed into a bathroom stall. My mom found me curled up like the wet little mess that I was, and raced out to buy me some orange juice, but not before exclaiming: "Jesus Cait, did you not eat ANYTHING before coming? Don't you learn?"
As evidenced by the events of today, the answer is no, I do not.
This afternoon I decided to go for a quick little jaunt around the neighbourhood to check things out further.
La la la, life is sweet. I'm going for a walk. Hello Mr. Bird. Hello Mrs. Flower. Hello clouds. La la la la.
The only problem with me is I have the attention span of a five year old, and my quick little walk turned into a two hour excursion that kept getting longer everytime I came across a road that was lined with really nice houses.
These houses are gorgeous! Ah whatever, I'll just turn up this road and have a look. Hey, another road with nice houses, I'll just have another looksy. Tra la la la.
Then, before I knew it I had followed a hiking trail that took me straight up through some woods and onto a riding path. And then I felt like I hit the ultimate brick wall of nausea as my lengthy excursion on an empty stomach caught up with me. I stumbled my way over to a bench where I lay down, and basically cursed myself repeatedly for being so foolish as to not eat breakfast when Mom wasn't around!
As I lay on the bench, convinced of my imminent demise, three military helicopters flew overhead at extremely low levels.
The Swiss are brilliant! They can seek out the injured, just like dogs. They've come to drop me provisions, and lift my limp and delicate body onto the chopper and carry me to safety.
Obviously I was delirious and they flew right on by. So I probably lay on that bench for a good twenty more minutes until I felt like I could make my way back.
As I staggered my first few steps in an effort to get some sort of momentum, I put my right foot down into a pile of horse sh*t. Somewhat fresh horse sh*t.
So now in addition to feel nauseous from lack of food, I also had to contend with that pungent odor wafting up my way everytime I took a step.
People let me tell you, it was a long walk home. But I made it, I cleaned off my shoe, and ate some long over due breakfast (not in that order, FYI).
Now I'm just left wondering, "when will it happen again?" Because make no mistake I will probably find myself stranded on the side of a mountain, crashing from lack of food, crying in distress, while pondering what it's going to take for me to LEARN MY LESSON.
Hopefully Mom's there with me next time though, to help get me some OJ or find me some berries.